I'm more screwed up than I thought...

I am not sure if he is in pain or angry or just believes that people are there to get him to his next amusement. He never raged at me just around me, he would freak out when his projects didnt go as smoothly as he wanted, or when the kids games were left out on the floor and he would yell and freak out saying they can never use them again (which was stupid) ... There has only been two times I can think of that he ever almost hit me with something he threw (no I am not excusing it) and he refused to have an argument with me... He once told me that he would not argue with me because he had a "bad temper" and he was afraid of what he would do if he lost it... Now I have no idea if this was something he used as an excuse to never "talk" to me but whatever... I think he uses people for his own gain. They are not PEOPLE... To him women are nothing more than someone to sleep with they have no other purpose. He told me on Christmas day that he has never hung out with a woman he didn't want to get in bed or had already gotten in bed... That was enlightening to say the least... So I guess I can not relate to the rages because he screams at inanimate stuff.. never directed at me. Or maybe I am in denial...

Sometimes I view him as a great science experiment....Push this button than this happens... push thing button and that will happen... Push both of these buttons together and who knows what will happen...

I am not worried about loneliness... he leaves for a yr at a time for work but even when he was here I was alone. 11 years of isolation, where your spouse really didn't have a clue who you are is very lonely indeed. I am emotionally starved already so its not a big deal, actually having someone to talk to and actually listen/care might freak me out more than being alone. 

I think part of me has dealt with the "crazy" blatant disregard for my emotions and mental well being for so long that I am used to hiding my feelings or ignoring them. Being treated like a slave, nanny, cook, laundress, prostitute and so forth is what I am used to ... What the hell am I going to do with someone who treats me like an important person? who WANTS to hear what I have to say? who thinks making love is actually emotional and not just an orgasm or vehicle for release...


I think I would almost rather be alone and emotionally starved than take that risk...