What is allowed

What I have learned via my current recovery and my previous recovery with being a drug addict is that “recovery” starts before you even know you need to recover… It’s the first step you take, the first admission that maybe this event/situation is not ok. Maybe, possibly you are not happy and its maybe not even your fault… Or it could be even smaller than that, The first time you look at the STBx and say WTF? The first time you shut out whatever bullshit they are trying to say…

The question is not what that other person has done to you. You can’t change how someone else has treated you. You cant blame the person who gave you drugs for your addiction, you have to place the responsibility of your actions where they truly belong, on you!  

In the case of abusive relationships this concept is also true in the sense that you cant change what your STBx is, you don’t have that kind of power… But you can change, evolve,  the part of you that was vulnerable to allow this to happen to you, Because in reality the only person responsible for you is you… Your actions or reactions, your feelings and how you deal with them, They are yours. Someone else can bring them forth, or even exploit them, but how you deal with them is up to you…

Now I am not saying that emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or any other kind of abuse is ok by any stretch of the imagination. What I am saying is that if it happened to you it’s devastating, but you can’t change it, Its in the past.  You only have the present, and the future to decide how you are going to deal with what has happened and the damage it has/continues to cause.

I will never be able to change the fact that, 20 yrs ago I was a drug addict. I have accepted it, I have taken steps to evaluate WHY I was susceptible to the addiction, and I have worked my ass off to ensure that I never ended up back there.  I have been drug free for 20 years.

The same is true for the current state of this marriage I am in… Placing blame will not help me! However, evaluating what traits I exhibited to be a “good victim”, processing what has happened, why I ignored what was happening, how I “fix” the damage that it has caused me, and how I can avoid any repeats of it happening now or in the future will allow me to move on with my life. This in turn, will give me the ability to be happy, productive, and a positive influence in my kid’s lives and some other lucky person I chose to share my life with.

I have been in years of therapy for drug addiction, support groups, and I use to volunteer my time sharing my story with people. What I have learned is invaluable, what I know about myself to be true and where my past and current weak points are, will help me in the soul-searching process I am going through. It’s a journey that if your lucky will never end because that means you are still discovering you… I still have work to do; I will still need a T to complete my healing process and I will one day be the strong independent woman I ALLOWED to be smothered. I will do things for me because I freakin want to and they have no benefit to anyone else BUT me and I won’t be afraid of the crap that spews out of his mouth because really its nothing more than a sad attempt to being me down and he no longer matters… I don’t love him, I love the idea of what he was suppose to be… I have known this forever, admitting it is another story.

To hell with him I can’t fix him he is a lost cause, and a very sad person.  I don’t care anymore… But I can fix me, I can be everything I ever wanted to be and I can take control over my own destiny, my present, and my future! There is a quote that I have read for so long that I think it will be branded in my brain forever…  

 "It is never to late to be the person you were always meant to be.”

– George Eliot, 19th Century Novelist

I am going to be that person… She is not completely defined yet, but I am a master piece in the works and when I am finished look out because she will turn heads and anyone who knows her will be damn glad of it!

I'm more screwed up than I thought...

I am not sure if he is in pain or angry or just believes that people are there to get him to his next amusement. He never raged at me just around me, he would freak out when his projects didnt go as smoothly as he wanted, or when the kids games were left out on the floor and he would yell and freak out saying they can never use them again (which was stupid) ... There has only been two times I can think of that he ever almost hit me with something he threw (no I am not excusing it) and he refused to have an argument with me... He once told me that he would not argue with me because he had a "bad temper" and he was afraid of what he would do if he lost it... Now I have no idea if this was something he used as an excuse to never "talk" to me but whatever... I think he uses people for his own gain. They are not PEOPLE... To him women are nothing more than someone to sleep with they have no other purpose. He told me on Christmas day that he has never hung out with a woman he didn't want to get in bed or had already gotten in bed... That was enlightening to say the least... So I guess I can not relate to the rages because he screams at inanimate stuff.. never directed at me. Or maybe I am in denial...

Sometimes I view him as a great science experiment....Push this button than this happens... push thing button and that will happen... Push both of these buttons together and who knows what will happen...

I am not worried about loneliness... he leaves for a yr at a time for work but even when he was here I was alone. 11 years of isolation, where your spouse really didn't have a clue who you are is very lonely indeed. I am emotionally starved already so its not a big deal, actually having someone to talk to and actually listen/care might freak me out more than being alone. 

I think part of me has dealt with the "crazy" blatant disregard for my emotions and mental well being for so long that I am used to hiding my feelings or ignoring them. Being treated like a slave, nanny, cook, laundress, prostitute and so forth is what I am used to ... What the hell am I going to do with someone who treats me like an important person? who WANTS to hear what I have to say? who thinks making love is actually emotional and not just an orgasm or vehicle for release...


I think I would almost rather be alone and emotionally starved than take that risk...

This gave me chills

I have been wondering if I have been married to someone who has Borderline personality disorder (BPD) or is a sociopath/psychopath.

My conclusion? The man I have been married to is a Sociopath!  All of the Characteristics fit damn near to perfection! I never thought I would say this in my life but good god PRAY for me! I am in for the fight of my life to get myself out of this situation!

The characteristics for a sociopath are as follows...

this info was all taken from...  http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

Profile of the Sociopath

This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.

• Glibness and Superficial Charm
  
• Manipulative and Conning
  They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
  
• Grandiose Sense of Self
  Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
  
• Pathological Lying
  Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
  
• Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
  A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
  
• Shallow Emotions
  When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
  
• Incapacity for Love
  
• Need for Stimulation
  Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
  
• Callousness/Lack of Empathy
  Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
  
• Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
  Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
  
• Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency (yes to some extent)
  Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
  
• Irresponsibility/Unreliability
  Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
  
• Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
  Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
  
• Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
  Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
  
• Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility (just havent been caught yet)
  Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

---

Other Related Qualities:

Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them

Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them

Authoritarian

Secretive

Paranoid

Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired

Conventional appearance

Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)

Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life

Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)

Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim

Incapable of real human attachment to another

Unable to feel remorse or guilt

Extreme narcissism and grandiose

Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. "They play a part so they can get what they want," says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains her co-workers' trust has more access to their chequebooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims -- at work, through friendships or relationships -- and not one of us can say, "a psychopath could never fool me."

Victim of Domestic Violence??? Your nuts! Right???

So I have joined a chat board or a online "support group" and there has been a lot of debate between me and them as to if I am a victim of domestic violence.   I have been adamantly denying any possibility because really, the Domestic Violence label scares the shit out of me for some reason, and I hate the label of VICTIM for so many reasons that are not relevant to this post... However, these people I am conversing with are ADAMENT that I am and need to go to the domestic violence counselors.

So what do I do? I research because this is how I deal with things I don't know or understand I research them until I can write a dissertation on the subject. (I should have a PhD, several times over with as much as I research)

The following are not my words. They were taken from an article (the reference is below)

This scares the shit out of me...because I am guilty of many of the 7 mistakes...

Abused women blame themselves for a lot of things. That is the inevitable consequence of domestic violence. In this article we shall focus on just one aspect of domestic violence; that is mental, emotional abuse. Usually, the things that women who have suffered domestic violence blame themselves for fall into one of two categories: the things that are not their fault, and the things that are not important in the great scheme of things.

Things that are not their fault include:

• Making a mess of individual situations. Their partners' outburst are always, somehow, their fault.
• Spoiling the relationship. (In reality they are the ones who try to hold it together.)
• Being stupid. (They aren't - although they will honor the unfortunate choice to love a man who is not worthy of them.)
• Being too old, or too young. (They are the age they are. It takes a special kind of idiot to turn around one day and say to someone of 21, or 41, or 71, that they are suddenly unacceptable
• Being ugly. (Living a life of ugliness is enough to make anyone feel ugly; but the ugliness lies in the eyes of the abusive man, not his partner.)
• Not being good enough. (Good enough for whom, for Heaven's sake? And how did that happen? Did the abusive man make a mistake in selecting his woman in the first place? Or does he operate a sliding scale?)
• Being failures as women. (It's what they are told. What it means is that they are not the perfect cross between a slave and a supermodel. Not that their partner is a dead ringer for George Clooney! But that doesn't count.)

Things that are not important include:

• Their weight. (It is perfectly possible to be overweight, underweight or the perfect weight and be loved. Just not by an abusive man, because they make an art form of finding fault with everything about you.)
• Their past mistakes. (They are in the past, after all. Fortunately, abusive men know they will never be judged on their pas mistakes.)
• Their education.
• Their family - because an abusive woman is not responsible for her family of origin.

The mistakes that abused women make have nothing to do with the alleged crimes for which their partners reproach them. These mistakes are errors of judgement that abused women make unconsciously, which cause them enormous suffering.

The 7 mistakes

1) Turning a blind eye to his first unacceptable temper tantrums. You say that you do that because you love him. He interprets your acceptance as collusion. In his eyes, you have given him clear proof that you area doormat.

2) Trying over and over again to make the abusive relationship work. When an abusive partner has told you, either in words or actions, 3, or 4, or 5 times, that he does not value you or the relationship, you have to believe it. He is offering you his mission statement. Time to head for the hills.

3) Making excuses for him. Why would feel obliged to improve his behaviour when you are willing to excuse him? Your excuses give him carte blanche to carry on behaving as badly, or worse, than he has done in the past.

4) Feeling responsible for him. The time comes when you say; "I've had enough. It's over." He's foreseen that day, and he's ready. He turns on the crocodile tears. He tells you that he can't live without you. It's taken this for him to discover how much he loves you. From now on, he will be a good boy. But he does need you to help him. You agree, and he's back on track. Once again, he has got you to carry him. Will he change? No.

5) Minimizing. He behaves like a heel, and you know it. But you tell yourself: "He had a difficult childhood." "He's had a hard time at work - or being out of work." "It's just the drink talking." Bad behaviour is still bad behaviour. He has no right to dump on you - until you let him.

6) Covering up. Your relationship is ghastly. But you don't want the world to know. So you put on a brave face. That's collusion. Once again, you are giving him permission to behave as badly as he wants. Because it will all stay behind closed doors. In fact, while you are playing Loyal Little Woman, he can be out spreading poison about you. If you change your tune, who do you think will be believed?

7) Believing in fairy tales. Of course, you don't consciously believe in fairy tales: you are a grown woman not a little girl, after all. But, unconsciously, you're still stuck acting out Beauty and the Beast. I don't know whether you met the Handsome Prince, or the Beast, first off. I do know who you are living with. Every last petal has dropped off that rose, the only time the crockery and cutlery dance is when he gets angry, and the Beast is still a Beast. That's all he will ever be. Time to get real. And, if some other naïve woman, wants to play Beauty and the Beast with him, good luck to her. Reality is not like fairy tales. One key difference to bear in mind: in the real world, when you first get together with someone, they are on their best behaviour, they wear their most attractive mask. With abusers it is all one way from there: downhill. The behaviour degenerates, the mask drops, the result is a whole load of misery for you. Period.

The real mistakes that women make in abusive relationships have nothing to do with faults or inadequacies. They are all about being too willing to carry on believing the best of someone who is trying very hard to show you just what a jerk he is. Abusive men don't give you too many gifts. Showing you just how unpleasant and callous they can be is the best gift you can have in a lousy situation. Accept it graciously, before your abusive partner keeps slamming it into your face. And move on.

One thing they never tell you in fairy stories is that the beautiful maiden doesn't actually need a man to be happy. She just thinks she does. But when she learns to be truly happy by herself, and for herself, she will attract a much better class of man than a Beast/Prince.

Dr Annie Kaszina is an Emotional Abuse Recovery Expert. She works with women to throw off the misery of their abusive relationship so they can create the life they want. Annie is committed to helping women do two things: first, understand exactly what is was about them that led them into a bad relationship and could easily do so again, and second, master their psychology so they can rebuild their self-esteem and create healthy, loving relationships. Get The 7 Things You Need To Know To Truly Heal as a gift for visiting http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com http://ezinearticles.com/?The-7-Mistakes-All-Emotionally-Abused-Women-Make&id=3677151

Shut Up and Drive

As I am sure, I have stated before, music is the drug of choice around here. I honestly believe that music sooths the soul. It says the thing you can’t put into words yourself, it can be happy, sad, bouncy, just plain fun, and it helps purge toxic emotions that will only bring you down. Music is my constant companion.

The song Shut Up and Drive by Chely Wright keeps playing over and over in my mind. If you have ever heard the song I am sure you can imagine why I have it stuck in my head, but for those that don’t, I will repost the lyrics… and I am sure it will be obvious, but I will explain why this song rings so true with me.

Shut up and drive, You don't know what you're talking about.  He's not the one, You ought to know that by now. You've got one of those hearts, That keeps changing your mind, Your heart has a way of making you stay, So shut up and drive 

My heart is the only reason I am still here… And that foul dirty word called hope!

Don't look in the mirror, He might have that look in his eyes, The one thats so strong, It strangles your will to survive, He's mastered the art Of looking sincere. His eyes have a way of making you stay
Don't look in the mirror

T has mastered his craft that is for damn sure! For being a psychotic sociopath he can make anyone this he is sincere, and he has always found a way to make me WANT to stay… With the “I’m sorry’s”, and “I will try” well yes you are sorry, and your ability to try leaves much to be desired! But more importantly he did strangle my will to break free.

I'm the voice you never listen to, And I had to break your heart to make you see, That he's the one who will be missing you, And you'll only miss the man, That you wanted him to be

This statement/verse is the one that  caught me… I never listened to my gut ( I have always listened to my conscience  so I believe in my case it’s the gut voice). I believe that T will miss me when he realizes I am truly gone. When he sees that, I don’t freakin care, and I am no longer available to him. I cant wait for this day to come…

That is not the whole song but it’s the pertinent parts to me…  I listen to this song and I think I’m almost there. I am almost at a point where I can file for separation. I am almost free!  I get to escape from prison. I cant freakin wait!

You know in a previous post I said I wanted my life back… That is a miss statement! I want MY version of my NEW life.  I want a life that he only holds a miniscule corner that deals with his interactions with the kids.. But my personal life will be just for me… 

Oh it’s a pretty dream! But is it even within my reach or will T always be the zit that will never pop and will never go away. You know the one that never comes to a head and is just icky and painful, but you cant do a darn thing to get rid of it? Let’s hope not because I might just cut the damn zit off its resting place… I would rather live with a scare than it…