So I have joined a chat board or a online "support group" and there has been a lot of debate between me and them as to if I am a victim of domestic violence. I have been adamantly denying any possibility because really, the Domestic Violence label scares the shit out of me for some reason, and I hate the label of VICTIM for so many reasons that are not relevant to this post... However, these people I am conversing with are ADAMENT that I am and need to go to the domestic violence counselors.
So what do I do? I research because this is how I deal with things I don't know or understand I research them until I can write a dissertation on the subject. (I should have a PhD, several times over with as much as I research)
The following are not my words. They were taken from an article (the reference is below)
This scares the shit out of me...because I am guilty of many of the 7 mistakes...
Abused women blame themselves for a lot of things. That is the inevitable consequence of domestic violence. In this article we shall focus on just one aspect of domestic violence; that is mental, emotional abuse. Usually, the things that women who have suffered domestic violence blame themselves for fall into one of two categories: the things that are not their fault, and the things that are not important in the great scheme of things.
Things that are not their fault include:
- Making a mess of individual situations. Their partners' outburst are always, somehow, their fault.
- Spoiling the relationship. (In reality they are the ones who try to hold it together.)
- Being stupid. (They aren't - although they will honor the unfortunate choice to love a man who is not worthy of them.)
- Being too old, or too young. (They are the age they are. It takes a special kind of idiot to turn around one day and say to someone of 21, or 41, or 71, that they are suddenly unacceptable
- Being ugly. (Living a life of ugliness is enough to make anyone feel ugly; but the ugliness lies in the eyes of the abusive man, not his partner.)
- Not being good enough. (Good enough for whom, for Heaven's sake? And how did that happen? Did the abusive man make a mistake in selecting his woman in the first place? Or does he operate a sliding scale?)
- Being failures as women. (It's what they are told. What it means is that they are not the perfect cross between a slave and a supermodel. Not that their partner is a dead ringer for George Clooney! But that doesn't count.)
Things that are not important include:
- Their weight. (It is perfectly possible to be overweight, underweight or the perfect weight and be loved. Just not by an abusive man, because they make an art form of finding fault with everything about you.)
- Their past mistakes. (They are in the past, after all. Fortunately, abusive men know they will never be judged on their pas mistakes.)
- Their education.
- Their family - because an abusive woman is not responsible for her family of origin.
The mistakes that abused women make have nothing to do with the alleged crimes for which their partners reproach them. These mistakes are errors of judgement that abused women make unconsciously, which cause them enormous suffering.
The 7 mistakes
1) Turning a blind eye to his first unacceptable temper tantrums. You say that you do that because you love him. He interprets your acceptance as collusion. In his eyes, you have given him clear proof that you area doormat.
2) Trying over and over again to make the abusive relationship work. When an abusive partner has told you, either in words or actions, 3, or 4, or 5 times, that he does not value you or the relationship, you have to believe it. He is offering you his mission statement. Time to head for the hills.
3) Making excuses for him. Why would feel obliged to improve his behaviour when you are willing to excuse him? Your excuses give him carte blanche to carry on behaving as badly, or worse, than he has done in the past.
4) Feeling responsible for him. The time comes when you say; "I've had enough. It's over." He's foreseen that day, and he's ready. He turns on the crocodile tears. He tells you that he can't live without you. It's taken this for him to discover how much he loves you. From now on, he will be a good boy. But he does need you to help him. You agree, and he's back on track. Once again, he has got you to carry him. Will he change? No.
5) Minimizing. He behaves like a heel, and you know it. But you tell yourself: "He had a difficult childhood." "He's had a hard time at work - or being out of work." "It's just the drink talking." Bad behaviour is still bad behaviour. He has no right to dump on you - until you let him.
6) Covering up. Your relationship is ghastly. But you don't want the world to know. So you put on a brave face. That's collusion. Once again, you are giving him permission to behave as badly as he wants. Because it will all stay behind closed doors. In fact, while you are playing Loyal Little Woman, he can be out spreading poison about you. If you change your tune, who do you think will be believed?
7) Believing in fairy tales. Of course, you don't consciously believe in fairy tales: you are a grown woman not a little girl, after all. But, unconsciously, you're still stuck acting out Beauty and the Beast. I don't know whether you met the Handsome Prince, or the Beast, first off. I do know who you are living with. Every last petal has dropped off that rose, the only time the crockery and cutlery dance is when he gets angry, and the Beast is still a Beast. That's all he will ever be. Time to get real. And, if some other naïve woman, wants to play Beauty and the Beast with him, good luck to her. Reality is not like fairy tales. One key difference to bear in mind: in the real world, when you first get together with someone, they are on their best behaviour, they wear their most attractive mask. With abusers it is all one way from there: downhill. The behaviour degenerates, the mask drops, the result is a whole load of misery for you. Period.
The real mistakes that women make in abusive relationships have nothing to do with faults or inadequacies. They are all about being too willing to carry on believing the best of someone who is trying very hard to show you just what a jerk he is. Abusive men don't give you too many gifts. Showing you just how unpleasant and callous they can be is the best gift you can have in a lousy situation. Accept it graciously, before your abusive partner keeps slamming it into your face. And move on.
One thing they never tell you in fairy stories is that the beautiful maiden doesn't actually need a man to be happy. She just thinks she does. But when she learns to be truly happy by herself, and for herself, she will attract a much better class of man than a Beast/Prince.
| Dr Annie Kaszina is an Emotional Abuse Recovery Expert. She works with women to throw off the misery of their abusive relationship so they can create the life they want. Annie is committed to helping women do two things: first, understand exactly what is was about them that led them into a bad relationship and could easily do so again, and second, master their psychology so they can rebuild their self-esteem and create healthy, loving relationships. Get The 7 Things You Need To Know To Truly Heal as a gift for visiting http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com |
No comments:
Post a Comment