What is allowed

What I have learned via my current recovery and my previous recovery with being a drug addict is that “recovery” starts before you even know you need to recover… It’s the first step you take, the first admission that maybe this event/situation is not ok. Maybe, possibly you are not happy and its maybe not even your fault… Or it could be even smaller than that, The first time you look at the STBx and say WTF? The first time you shut out whatever bullshit they are trying to say…

The question is not what that other person has done to you. You can’t change how someone else has treated you. You cant blame the person who gave you drugs for your addiction, you have to place the responsibility of your actions where they truly belong, on you!  

In the case of abusive relationships this concept is also true in the sense that you cant change what your STBx is, you don’t have that kind of power… But you can change, evolve,  the part of you that was vulnerable to allow this to happen to you, Because in reality the only person responsible for you is you… Your actions or reactions, your feelings and how you deal with them, They are yours. Someone else can bring them forth, or even exploit them, but how you deal with them is up to you…

Now I am not saying that emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or any other kind of abuse is ok by any stretch of the imagination. What I am saying is that if it happened to you it’s devastating, but you can’t change it, Its in the past.  You only have the present, and the future to decide how you are going to deal with what has happened and the damage it has/continues to cause.

I will never be able to change the fact that, 20 yrs ago I was a drug addict. I have accepted it, I have taken steps to evaluate WHY I was susceptible to the addiction, and I have worked my ass off to ensure that I never ended up back there.  I have been drug free for 20 years.

The same is true for the current state of this marriage I am in… Placing blame will not help me! However, evaluating what traits I exhibited to be a “good victim”, processing what has happened, why I ignored what was happening, how I “fix” the damage that it has caused me, and how I can avoid any repeats of it happening now or in the future will allow me to move on with my life. This in turn, will give me the ability to be happy, productive, and a positive influence in my kid’s lives and some other lucky person I chose to share my life with.

I have been in years of therapy for drug addiction, support groups, and I use to volunteer my time sharing my story with people. What I have learned is invaluable, what I know about myself to be true and where my past and current weak points are, will help me in the soul-searching process I am going through. It’s a journey that if your lucky will never end because that means you are still discovering you… I still have work to do; I will still need a T to complete my healing process and I will one day be the strong independent woman I ALLOWED to be smothered. I will do things for me because I freakin want to and they have no benefit to anyone else BUT me and I won’t be afraid of the crap that spews out of his mouth because really its nothing more than a sad attempt to being me down and he no longer matters… I don’t love him, I love the idea of what he was suppose to be… I have known this forever, admitting it is another story.

To hell with him I can’t fix him he is a lost cause, and a very sad person.  I don’t care anymore… But I can fix me, I can be everything I ever wanted to be and I can take control over my own destiny, my present, and my future! There is a quote that I have read for so long that I think it will be branded in my brain forever…  

 "It is never to late to be the person you were always meant to be.”

– George Eliot, 19th Century Novelist

I am going to be that person… She is not completely defined yet, but I am a master piece in the works and when I am finished look out because she will turn heads and anyone who knows her will be damn glad of it!