Shut Up and Drive

As I am sure, I have stated before, music is the drug of choice around here. I honestly believe that music sooths the soul. It says the thing you can’t put into words yourself, it can be happy, sad, bouncy, just plain fun, and it helps purge toxic emotions that will only bring you down. Music is my constant companion.

The song Shut Up and Drive by Chely Wright keeps playing over and over in my mind. If you have ever heard the song I am sure you can imagine why I have it stuck in my head, but for those that don’t, I will repost the lyrics… and I am sure it will be obvious, but I will explain why this song rings so true with me.

Shut up and drive, You don't know what you're talking about.  He's not the one, You ought to know that by now. You've got one of those hearts, That keeps changing your mind, Your heart has a way of making you stay, So shut up and drive 

My heart is the only reason I am still here… And that foul dirty word called hope!

Don't look in the mirror, He might have that look in his eyes, The one thats so strong, It strangles your will to survive, He's mastered the art Of looking sincere. His eyes have a way of making you stay
Don't look in the mirror

T has mastered his craft that is for damn sure! For being a psychotic sociopath he can make anyone this he is sincere, and he has always found a way to make me WANT to stay… With the “I’m sorry’s”, and “I will try” well yes you are sorry, and your ability to try leaves much to be desired! But more importantly he did strangle my will to break free.

I'm the voice you never listen to, And I had to break your heart to make you see, That he's the one who will be missing you, And you'll only miss the man, That you wanted him to be

This statement/verse is the one that  caught me… I never listened to my gut ( I have always listened to my conscience  so I believe in my case it’s the gut voice). I believe that T will miss me when he realizes I am truly gone. When he sees that, I don’t freakin care, and I am no longer available to him. I cant wait for this day to come…

That is not the whole song but it’s the pertinent parts to me…  I listen to this song and I think I’m almost there. I am almost at a point where I can file for separation. I am almost free!  I get to escape from prison. I cant freakin wait!

You know in a previous post I said I wanted my life back… That is a miss statement! I want MY version of my NEW life.  I want a life that he only holds a miniscule corner that deals with his interactions with the kids.. But my personal life will be just for me… 

Oh it’s a pretty dream! But is it even within my reach or will T always be the zit that will never pop and will never go away. You know the one that never comes to a head and is just icky and painful, but you cant do a darn thing to get rid of it? Let’s hope not because I might just cut the damn zit off its resting place… I would rather live with a scare than it…

Why oh Why?

Why do I continue to engage him in conversation? I asked him recently to sign a document stating I can have sexual or non-sexual relationships and it will not be held against me. He says yes, but only if you sign the same for me.  Um really? I have enough documented episodes of you cheating to sink your career, and get a sizable alimony check each month. Nothing like closing the barn door a week AFTER you let the horses run free. T is a retard! 

Then he says and if you do whatever, but I don’t want to know about it.  Why do you care I ask? Hmm really, I should have walked away. Maybe a part of me wants him to say cause I would be jealous and I don’t want anyone touching you. Not so much… Has never happened and will never happen. He says he doesn’t care what I do and will sign whatever as long as he gets the same.

 I’m not signing anything so it can’t void the documentation I already have.

Ahh the life of the Sociopath, and the soon to be ex-wife who can’t accept that she is nothing more than entertainment. I one day will feel desirable and loved again. Life like this is lonely.

And he strikes again!

So as you can probably tell T and I have not been legally separated and obviously not divorced yet. He no longer lives in my house and I have moved his crap into a storage unit, but that is the extent of our separation. 

T travels and is “required to work” weird hours and sometimes weekends so this apparently gives him a license to have visitation when it is convenient for him and to hell with me and my plans.  Surprising? Hell no, frustrating? You have no freakin idea! 

So this weekend he is hell bent on take our boys camping, I explained that it would be more convenient for ME and the BOYS if he took them the weekend of the 9^th. Ahh see that is where I screwed up! I expressed my convenience stupid, stupid, stupid, mistake… Word to the wise NEVER, NEVER express a preference when you are dealing with a world class crazy jackass!  See in T’s world he is the center and the rest of the world revolves around him. So this means my plans are to be destroyed! ALWAYS! 

Funny he is hell bent on taking the boys camping because all of his little friends (who are 22)are going to be there!  This has nothing to do with our kids and everything to do with a token daddy moment so he looks like the cool Disney land dad that has the f**king money to do things with them, while I am scrapping by and can’t even afford the food they like. This shit pisses me of so bad I am shaking! I have never hated someone, until now! 

I want to scream and tell him how much of a asshat he is! How much of a worthless piece of shit…How much I wish he would get out of my life and that he is the biggest mistake I have ever made. I want my GOD DAMN LIFE BACK, I want the years he has abused me back!

Funny he tells me that HE is bending over backwards to meet all of my needs!  Are you kidding? He has never met ANY of my needs unless they had something to do with his dick or they coincided with his needs. I am collateral damage. I and those boys have always been collateral damage. 

I can’t say all that I want to T because (a) I am afraid of him on some level. (b) I want a uncontested separation agreement (c) I might become violent towards him if I actually let go of all this rage and hatred. 

I keep asking over and over how someone can treat another human being like this? I am a f**king human being. I have feelings, I am a good person, I would never treat someone like the crap you scrape off the bottom of your shoe. I have never intentionally lied to someone so I could have sex with whomever I wanted… I have never put my children on a shelf only to take them down and play with then when it was convenient. I don’t understand this!  

I can not even express the extent of my pain. I just don’t have the words and my vocabulary at this moment is seriously lacking. The emotional damage runs so deep I wonder if I will ever recover or if I will ever be a whole person again. It hurts so much at times I am paralyzed. Kinda stupid to allow someone who continues to drives knives in your back… Maybe one day I will be intelligent and emotionally healthy. 

This post I am not going to reread so if there are any errors in my grammar, punctuation, or sentence structure I apologize

Dirty words I am striking from my Vocab

I can’t refer to this man as my husband anymore… From here on out he will be T. Maybe with the new title, I can put that much more distance between him and myself…

There is an entire list of words that now carry a new meaning to me. Simple every day words and phrases that have a completely new connotation. Words that I cringe when I hear them… weird when you are scared of simple innocent words, but when you deal with someone who uses words as the primary vehicle to manipulate they become truly frightening. 

HOPE is such a dirty four-letter word. When in a situation like mine, hope is a death sentence. It allows you to continue down the same path because you HOPE it’s going to be better. When T is in the mood to “work things out” there is hope he has seen the light, hope that he realizes how much we mean to him. Hope that I am truly important enough now…When you have Hope, you can endure anything. I think that in regards to T, I need to kill all thoughts of hope. He will never be a sane rational person. He will never know and understand the difference between right and wrong. He will never put anyone, to include our children, before himself. Last but never least; he will never have the capacity to feel and love more than on a surface level.  Therefore, in regards to T hope must die a sad traumatic death.

Sounds good right? I am not sure it’s going to be that easy, but I will do it!

Another word that has recently made my skin crawl is TRY! I have hear phrases like “I am trying to be a better person”, “I will try to control my impulses”, “I will try to stay out of situations where I will be tempted to cheat”, “I will try to watch the boys so you can get some time alone” and on and on and on…

This word try is rather common with T. It’s his stated mission with a built in escape hatch. Because really if you fail at something you “try” at least you made the effort and TRIED!  The word try makes me want to hurt something… I cringe when people use it… Either you will do something or you won’t! 

Again, this is an issue that I will need to work on.  Hmm guess I might have to keep a list of my issues at this point. They are becoming too great in number to keep straight in my head

A phrase I have mentioned before that I need to run from if I hear from anyone is “I am broken”! Umm go to a shrink, I can’t fix you! And I am pretty sure T is beyond fixing because Hell according to him there is nothing wrong with him. It’s me who has the problems. I expect too much!

The other phrase I am so sick of hearing is I’m Sorry! This phrase is so freakin over used it ceases to hold any meaning at all. To me I’m sorry means you are truly repentant of what you have done. You won’t do it again. To T it’s a phrase one uses to make himself look good and get off the hook. A way to say “see I have feelings, and I regret what I do Right this second, but I will do it again, tomorrow and I will be sorry then too… Pointless phrase when dealing with a crazy person.

The last phrase that comes to mind is I don’t know!  As in, what made you think that was a good idea? I don’t know. Why did you do that? I don’t know. The shrink asked T what he thought about before he would lie or cheat on me and his response I don’t know. Say huh? 

My problem is trying to make an irrational and illogical mind make some kind of rational, logical sense!

Dirty words I am striking from my Vocab

I can’t refer to this man as my husband anymore… From here on out he will be T. Maybe with the new title, I can put that much more distance between him and myself…

There is an entire list of words that now carry a new meaning to me. Simple every day words and phrases that have a completely new connotation. Words that I cringe when I hear them… weird when you are scared of simple innocent words, but when you deal with someone who uses words as the primary vehicle to manipulate they become truly frightening. 

HOPE is such a dirty four-letter word. When in a situation like mine, hope is a death sentence. It allows you to continue down the same path because you HOPE it’s going to be better. When T is in the mood to “work things out” there is hope he has seen the light, hope that he realizes how much we mean to him. Hope that I am truly important enough now…When you have Hope, you can endure anything. I think that in regards to T, I need to kill all thoughts of hope. He will never be a sane rational person. He will never know and understand the difference between right and wrong. He will never put anyone, to include our children, before himself. Last but never least; he will never have the capacity to feel and love more than on a surface level.  Therefore, in regards to T hope must die a sad traumatic death.

Sounds good right? I am not sure it’s going to be that easy, but I will do it!

Another word that has recently made my skin crawl is TRY! I have hear phrases like “I am trying to be a better person”, “I will try to control my impulses”, “I will try to stay out of situations where I will be tempted to cheat”, “I will try to watch the boys so you can get some time alone” and on and on and on…

This word try is rather common with T. It’s his stated mission with a built in escape hatch. Because really if you fail at something you “try” at least you made the effort and TRIED!  The word try makes me want to hurt something… I cringe when people use it… Either you will do something or you won’t! 

Again, this is an issue that I will need to work on.  Hmm guess I might have to keep a list of my issues at this point. They are becoming too great in number to keep straight in my head

A phrase I have mentioned before that I need to run from if I hear from anyone is “I am broken”! Umm go to a shrink, I can’t fix you! And I am pretty sure T is beyond fixing because Hell according to him there is nothing wrong with him. It’s me who has the problems. I expect too much!

The other phrase I am so sick of hearing is I’m Sorry! This phrase is so freakin over used it ceases to hold any meaning at all. To me I’m sorry means you are truly repentant of what you have done. You won’t do it again. To T it’s a phrase one uses to make himself look good and get off the hook. A way to say “see I have feelings, and I regret what I do Right this second, but I will do it again, tomorrow and I will be sorry then too… Pointless phrase when dealing with a crazy person.

The last phrase that comes to mind is I don’t know!  As in, what made you think that was a good idea? I don’t know. Why did you do that? I don’t know. The shrink asked T what he thought about before he would lie or cheat on me and his response I don’t know. Say huh? 

My problem is trying to make an irrational and illogical mind make some kind of rational, logical sense!