I can’t refer to this man as my husband anymore… From here on out he will be T. Maybe with the new title, I can put that much more distance between him and myself…
There is an entire list of words that now carry a new meaning to me. Simple every day words and phrases that have a completely new connotation. Words that I cringe when I hear them… weird when you are scared of simple innocent words, but when you deal with someone who uses words as the primary vehicle to manipulate they become truly frightening.
HOPE is such a dirty four-letter word. When in a situation like mine, hope is a death sentence. It allows you to continue down the same path because you HOPE it’s going to be better. When T is in the mood to “work things out” there is hope he has seen the light, hope that he realizes how much we mean to him. Hope that I am truly important enough now…When you have Hope, you can endure anything. I think that in regards to T, I need to kill all thoughts of hope. He will never be a sane rational person. He will never know and understand the difference between right and wrong. He will never put anyone, to include our children, before himself. Last but never least; he will never have the capacity to feel and love more than on a surface level. Therefore, in regards to T hope must die a sad traumatic death.
Sounds good right? I am not sure it’s going to be that easy, but I will do it!
Another word that has recently made my skin crawl is TRY! I have hear phrases like “I am trying to be a better person”, “I will try to control my impulses”, “I will try to stay out of situations where I will be tempted to cheat”, “I will try to watch the boys so you can get some time alone” and on and on and on…
This word try is rather common with T. It’s his stated mission with a built in escape hatch. Because really if you fail at something you “try” at least you made the effort and TRIED! The word try makes me want to hurt something… I cringe when people use it… Either you will do something or you won’t!
Again, this is an issue that I will need to work on. Hmm guess I might have to keep a list of my issues at this point. They are becoming too great in number to keep straight in my head
A phrase I have mentioned before that I need to run from if I hear from anyone is “I am broken”! Umm go to a shrink, I can’t fix you! And I am pretty sure T is beyond fixing because Hell according to him there is nothing wrong with him. It’s me who has the problems. I expect too much!
The other phrase I am so sick of hearing is I’m Sorry! This phrase is so freakin over used it ceases to hold any meaning at all. To me I’m sorry means you are truly repentant of what you have done. You won’t do it again. To T it’s a phrase one uses to make himself look good and get off the hook. A way to say “see I have feelings, and I regret what I do Right this second, but I will do it again, tomorrow and I will be sorry then too… Pointless phrase when dealing with a crazy person.
The last phrase that comes to mind is I don’t know! As in, what made you think that was a good idea? I don’t know. Why did you do that? I don’t know. The shrink asked T what he thought about before he would lie or cheat on me and his response I don’t know. Say huh?
My problem is trying to make an irrational and illogical mind make some kind of rational, logical sense!
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