A little back ground

I sit here and reflect on the last 10 years and I see a pattern that only an idiot would miss. I am considered an extremely independent, intelligent, strong woman that is very loyal, blunt, and honest! So how did I end up in this situation? Really, it still baffles my mind! In my defense, I have an inane belief that people are inherently good. Apparently this is rather naïve and downright ignorant. Two words I would have never applied to myself and rather disconcerting to be doing so now.

A little back-story:

 I have always thought that my husband wasn’t really that bad. I mean he didn’t beat me. I was provided for financially. I was able to stay home with my kids. I was supported while I went to school myself. All of this is very admirable really, a well taken care of wife!

 Yes, we had problems, but most couples did. It’s part of the growing process as a well adjusted team. I mean yes, a year after we got married, he cheated on me, but it was one mistake. Everyone makes mistakes right? We can work though it (and I thought we did).

however over the next 9 yrs apparently he has cheated on me regularly. Did I know this? Yes, on a fundamental level I did. However, acknowledging that truth is another matter entirely.

I am living proof that we are the masters at our own deception and I convinced myself that HE wouldn’t do that again.  We loved each other and were committed to this marriage right? Yes, he went out with his friends more than he stayed with me and the kids, and he did what he pleased regardless of what was best for the family. Really, he didn’t care about what we needed as long as he got to do what he wanted!  An example, our 15 yr old son called his dad (who does not live with us anymore) to see if we wanted to come to his birthday dinner, my husband told him that he had to study and couldn’t come.  Really, he wanted to go bowling with his latest girlfriend (who is only 7 yrs older than my 15 yr old). This truth was revealed to me a few days later.  My son was rather upset. 

Another time My Husband knew I wasn’t feeling well before he left to go out, but didn’t really want to bother with a sick wife. I ended up in the ER and they wanted to admit me, which I begged them not to do because my 15 yr old was watching the other two children and I couldn’t get a hold of my husband. So they let me go home… The next day my husband showed up at home (yes him staying out all night was common,but nobody is perfect) all concerned with an excuse that his phone wasn’t working and he was home now so I should go back to the hospital. Nothing like making you feel completely insignificant… There are many, many incidents like these, but that’s not what this is about…

I have spent 10 years with a man who has cheated on me, lied to me, manipulated me, destroyed my self-esteem, and general self-worth. He does no wrong, his actions are not wrong (even when said actions are against the law), He can rationalize the cheating and give “good” reasons for the betrayal, and he puts on a sincere loyal face that looks not only guilty, but wishes to be better and change. His famous line is “I am broken and I don’t know how to fix me” Ahh the one thing that will draw women in, the emotionally needy broken man, He uses it on his girlfriend too (I have seen the emails and texts saying exactly that)... But it served its purpose because it sucked me back in every freakin time! Heck sucked her back in too...

We did go to couples counseling to try to work through our issues. At our first meeting, the psychologist was trying to get a feel of our “issues” when she started just asking my husband questions… Then at the end of the session, she looks at my husband and tells him “You are either a sociopath or a narcissist and I have no idea which is scarier at this point”. Needless to say we never went back to her because he was offended and I believed that I couldn’t possibly be married to someone that screwed up. 

However, something must have rung true with me because when we got home I went and started doing research on both possibilities. I am not a shrink, but I can say he has an alarming number of characteristics of a Sociopath. Hence, my blogs name…

I believe this was the start of my eye opening experience… 

When you realize the person you are married to is a screwed up son of a bitch you wonder what is wrong with you? How stupid can you be to have attached yourself to someone like him? Apparently you don’t put a lot of value in yourself because you lower your standards to accommodate someone who does nothing but hurt you. These were my initial thoughts, very degrading to me, hateful even, with a huge amount of anger towards him and me… What self respecting person would put up with someone like this?  

I now realize the answer is easy. People like my husband are charming, manipulative, and will do ANYTHING to keep their victims. Yes, at this point I am a victim! They will lie, cheat, and steal to ensure their “toy” is still around when they are in need of a power trip. It’s not even about you, it’s all about them and their ego. They have a driving obsession with having their needs and wants validated and by hurting and belittling you they get exactly that. 

It did take some very good friends to beat that into my head and there are some days they continue to beat me over the head with it, but I am getting there. Its a long road! I didn't get to this point over night and it will take time to be whole again!