The endless cycle

Over the last two years, we have separated and gotten back together two times. Both times, he came back telling me how much he missed me and our family. How he was going to be a better person and all I had to do was teach him how. He never wanted to hurt me and he is “broken” (there is that line again). How I am the only one he has ever loved and he can’t live without me.  This last time, I was cautious; we talked for 3 months before I let him move back in.  I considered every possibility and knew I was making a mistake when I said he could move back in, but I wanted my family whole and we could fix this, right? Wrong again!  The minute he moved back in he was throwing temper tantrums, he turned the charm off and turned in to a world-class jerk. Not even 2 weeks after he moved back in he didn’t come home one night. The next day he shows up on my doorstep with a hicky on his neck that runs the entire length of his neck. He “ran into” his 23 yr old girlfriend that he never broke up with… God I feel stupid, used, I have never berated myself so much in my life! 

I have learned that He has victims and accomplices, I have played both roles and at times I hate myself for the constant circle I go in… I never thought I was this weak! He travels for work, sometimes for long stretches, and those times he is gone I am fine. I am actually happy and pretty well adjusted I think. I can make all the plans on how I am going to keep him out of my life and how much better I am without him. Then he comes back and I end up in bed with him. Then we start talking about how much he wants to change and the cycle continues.. repeat, repeat, repeat… 

I really want to say this time I am done. I want to KNOW that I am strong enough to stay away from him, but then he comes over to see the boys and he is all things nice, charming, and sad. Apparently I am a sucker for sad, even when it is an act, and I KNOW its an act… I don’t know how to break the cycle, I don’t know how to be that strong. I want to take back my life, but if I start making steps to rediscover me will I back slide when his current victim kicks him to the curb and he comes crawling back?

I think I need to focus on the little victories and not the big picture. For example, today I am roaming Wal-Mart and I need a new bathroom poofy thing, I am looking at all the colors (red being my favorite color) but T (my husband) hates the color red. He says I look like crap in red… gives me shit every time I buy red or wear red so I stopped buying anything red or wearing anything red. Back to my poofy, so I find myself automatically reaching for the blue one (T likes blue). Call me a rebel, but I stop myself and reach for the red one AND I actually bought the red one… I know it sounds retarded and I also know that it doesn’t seem like much, but it’s the baby steps that I need to take to reclaim my life… Hmm weird that I never realized how much of an influence he has on my everyday choices until now as I am rereading this…