Many might be thinking why in the heck would someone who is a self-proclaimed intelligent person stay with a guy that has no respect for her, cheats, lies, and pretty much disregards anything that is important to her. This is a question I have asked myself so many times. I am sick of asking and coming up with NO answers! I can tell you that my husband in a very handsome, charming, intelligent person who can play people like a fine-tuned instrument. This is how he gets through life. Unfortunately, I thought I could “fix” him and teach him right from wrong, good vs. bad blah blah blah.
I sit here chuckling because I have never been so wrong in my life!
This was not an easy conclusion to come to. I happen to be rather stubborn (so I am told) and a little slow to embrace my failure to “fix” him.
I mean don’t get me wrong, apparently things have never been on the up and up with him. I mean he has lied to me from day one. The signs were there, I just didn’t read them because, shit, stuff like that just doesn’t happen to someone like me. I mean I am too strong and too smart to ever be a victim, or to find myself in an abusive relationship, Rather egotistical of me to say the very least. There is no other term for this type of relationship other than abusive!
In the last two years is when things came to a head so to speak. He was going out ALL the time, I was never invited, oh he would say things like “why don’t you have a girl’s night out? I will watch the boys” but common the times we tried to arrange a girls night out he had plans and of course, his plans were way more important. The actual turning point, where I might have pulled my head out of the sand for a short time, was when he hit on my best friend, actually kissed her, and I tried to laugh it off as we were “way to drunk”. It didn’t count and I guess a little part of me blamed her, knowing full well it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with him. Hell she called me a couple hours after she left to tell me what happened.
Unfortunately, I was too far gone by this point. I would do almost ANYTHING to save my marriage and the same night he was kissing my best friend I had a 3some with another woman and him thinking it would make HIM happy (oh he was happy alright cause unbeknown to me, he was actually already sleeping with her TOO). I mean if I could keep him happy in bed, he would love me right? He wouldn’t go somewhere else for sex. Right?? WRONG!
I got it in my head that the only way to get him to love me and be faithful was to let him do as he please, not complain when he went out all the time, and if I had sex with him all the time he would be happy and grateful and love me.. So I gave him everything he wanted, the freedom to go out as he please, I bought him presents to show how I cared, all the sex he could handle, I was accommodating even when I had no freakin desire to be intimate. I kept telling myself over and over that if I do this he will love me, only me, he will be better and change. I will be enough for him. But, I was never enough. Not enough sex, not enough love, not enough attention heaped on him… I was never enough. To look in the mirror and know the one person that is supposed to love, honor, protect, and cherish doesn’t think you are good enough, smart enough, sexy enough, hot enough… NEVER ENOUGH!
This was one hell of a pill to swallow. How can all that I do not be enough? I have two freakin college degrees I am smart, attractive, I had (might have again) an awesome personality, people used to think I was funny, fun to be around, and now this guy is telling me that I “suck the life out of everyone around me, and nobody ever has fun when I am around” WOW that hurts!
The part that kills me is that a part of me believes him. Maybe I am not as attractive (inside and out) as I thought I was, maybe I don’t really have a sense of humor, or a great personality, Maybe he is right! I now look down at the ground when men look at me, can’t make eye contact for even a few seconds, so I look at their forehead…I know on one level that this is all crap, but I know part of me believes it.
The self-doubt is one thing, but the anger that I feel is a bigger concern at this point. At times, I think I am crazy. I have “conversations” in my head with him and it’s really just me screaming at him. Telling him how much of a worthless piece of crap he is, telling him how bad I am going to screw him in a divorce, telling him that he is a sociopath (I have actually told him this) and is a parasite that I would not inflict on my worst enemy because I really have never hated someone that much.
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